Who Are You?
Some of us are sure of who we are, and if you fall into that category, that's truly great, but for the rest of us, it's not always that easy. Sometimes we tend to confuse our personality traits with coping mechanisms we've developed over time.
If, like me, you've been caught up in situations that made you act in a different way and where you did not fully feel like yourself, this post is for you! If you have found yourself in situations that you look back at and ask yourself: "What was I thinking? Or that's not even who I am, why did I say/do this? " Then again, this is for you!
Like many of us, you were probably ruminating about what you should have said or done differently at that time. Let me tell you, that this is very common! Most of us retroactively overthink and dwell on past actions, wishing we had done things differently. Still, no situation is ever black or white, and every situation has the beauty of turning into a lesson if you let it (assuming you've digested it, of course).
When I first started coaching, I was asked if I tend to be indecisive when it comes to both big and small decisions in my life, and the answer to that was a big YES. When my lovely coach asked me to get to the bottom of who I am as a person and not who I think I am or who I think others want me to be, I discovered that: I had not been making decisions that were aligned with my values, yet I was making so many of them every day. Some decisions we make will have bigger consequences on our life than others, and unfortunately we do not always refer to our values to make these.
Our experiences shape who we become and why we react to certain situations the way we do, whether we view that as positive or negative. Past experiences may have developed into traumas just as much as others have shaped our growth and are now an essential part of who we are. We are all humans, all different and unique, and thank God we are!
How weird would it be if we were all the same? We all have our own ways of dealing with conflict and solving issues. All of us have different expectations and ways of communicating, and that is what makes us US and interesting.
But, are we always acting in our best interest? Are we being ourselves in every situation?
From experience, I have learned that it is easier to stay true to yourself when we are not under pressure or confronted with decisions that can have a significant impact on our life. Sometimes, the situations we're faced with have a way of pushing us out of our way, setting actions in motion that don't correspond to our authentic self. It is often during conflict and difficult times that we get to know others, but most importantly, that we get to know ourselves and the parts of us that need healing, let me explain.
Our best bet for finding out who we truly are is to be our unapologetic self aka our most authentic self. This means handling situations according to what we feel and not according to what we think is expected of us.
As we try to juggle separating right from wrong, acting with respect, and using common sense, we partially adapt our behaviour in response to these norms, but that's not what I want to address. The "adaptations" I want to focus on are the ones that are interfering with our inner peace and the ones that we feel have been dimming our inner fire for too long already. Those are the actions and reactions to situations where we felt like we had to make a choice based on what we thought was expected of us or based on the fear of being judged.
The fact is that there will always be expectations coming from every corner, and there will always be judgment. For my fellow people pleasers, those are precisely the situations in which we need to know ourselves first. This will help us avoid prioritising the needs of others over our own. I have learned that it’s easier to leave yourself behind when you don’t truly know who you are. Once we have more clarity about who we are, making decisions that feel right will feel easier and lighter. To do this, we need to be honest with ourselves, take a few steps out of our comfort zone, and be patient.
As mentioned earlier, at times it can be easy to confuse who others — whether parents, friends, colleagues, or even partners — expect us to be, with who we truly are.
Replaying a conversation in your mind while showering, driving, or taking a walk is a great way to reflect on and evaluate our actions, but there is a catch. If we replay past actions with judgment and regret, it may lead us into the overthinking trap, which then leads to guilt-tripping and shaming ourselves. In that case, we are likely to enter a vicious and hard-to-break downward spiral, in which we will overanalyse everything to such an extent that if we could, we would redo everything (or almost everything) differently. Again, that is why we need to know ourselves first.
TRUST ME when I say that this can save you a lot of regret and overthinking. It will help you become more at peace with yourself over time. Of course, you need to think this through and put some effort into it. And effort, can be uncomfortable at first, especially if the end goal is change. And change, as we know, is unknown and uncertain territory; however, the good news is that we can break it down into small steps and proceed from there. No effort is too small not to matter. You might wonder, okay, sounds great, but how do I do that?
It surely won't happen overnight, but here are a few questions that helped me in finding out why I was acting the way I was. It also taught me how to be more in tune with myself to make the right decisions.
When I say "right" decisions, I don't mean right as in good versus bad, but rather decisions that align with YOUR OWN values. So, who are you really?
Grab a piece of paper, your phone or laptop & let’s get into it.
(Answer these questions when you are not under pressure or distracted, it’s important to let your mind flow freely)
QUESTIONS
What do I believe in very strongly? Think about your deepest values and principles guiding you through life & write them down (unfiltered & bare)
Do I currently live my life according to these ? Am I in tune with my core values and principles?
What types of situations or people have made me act in ways that were not in alignment with my Values? What happened, and how did I feel?
If I were to die tomorrow, what would I want to be remembered for? Not in the eyes of others but in my eyes!
Feel free to answer these questions in your own time. You can return to them and add more items to your list as you go along.
Here's a short list of values to get you started:
Authenticity / Honesty / Justice / Humor / Humbleness / Success / Beauty / Loyalty / Leadership/ Perseverance / Kindness / Empathy / Wealth / Religion / Spirituality / Health / Creativity / Harmony / Balance / Adventure / Independence
After this little exercise, you'll hopefully have more clarity when it comes to kn owing who you really are. Keep in mind that you cannot make a wrong decision if it is aligned with your core values & beliefs. As change is uncomfortable, you might feel discomfort at first, but that is NORMAL and a GOOD SIGN. It likely means that you are on the right path to exploring your own version of brilliant- your version of BRILLIANTLYOU.
Be proud of every little step that brings you closer to self-discovery.
Here's to you!
Love,
Alix
