Boundaries Start with NO

Trust me, you are not alone. Saying no can make us feel a lot of different things:

Saying no can feel overwhelming when we’re not used to it.

Saying no can make us feel like we’re a bad/ selfish person.

Saying no can feel lonely at times.

Entering the zone of NO can trigger a wide range of uncomfortable feelings, but it is necessary to protect our peace.

We can do so by learning to set boundaries and get comfortable with going after what we want. Saying no is like growing muscles at the gym; it takes practice and repetition. Every context is different, which is why every 'no' comes with different consequences. I have struggled a lot with saying no in my life. I was always afraid I would disappoint if I said no. And on the rare occasions that I did, let me tell you that some reactions have not been very supportive, until I realized that people’s reactions to my boundaries told me what I needed to know. When people around you, whether that’s colleagues, family members, friends, or even your partner, are used to you saying yes all the time, chances are high that they will call you out the day you stop agreeing to anything and everything. I am not saying that you should become someone who says no to everything, but I firmly believe that saying no is essential, especially if you are stuck in people-pleasing mode.

Easier said than done? I know, but it’s not impossible. Have you ever asked yourself why you have a hard time saying no?

I have certainly had hundreds of different answers to that question:

-      I don’t want them to think that I don’t care about them.

-       If I can help them, why not do it, right?

-       I don’t want them to dislike me because I won’t do x/y/z for them.

-       I don’t want to give the impression that I am selfish.

-       It’s in my nature to help people, and I am not going to change who I am just for the sake of saying no. (Nobody asked you to, but the excuse seems valid)

-       I am very empathetic, and I feel like saying yes reflects that.

-       I need to do and agree to certain things for people to like me. (no, you don’t)

Having a caring nature did not help me get out of this pattern, but over time, I mistook saying yes and being an empath for forgetting myself by putting others first. Back then, my coach said this to me: “Being empathetic does not mean you should place others’ needs above your own. Don’t mistake empathy with people-pleasing. You can be an empath and still say to others: I care about you, but I also care about myself.”

Saying “I care too” won’t make you a selfish or a bad person; actually, quite the opposite. It will draw the line and explain to them that you understand them and that you are here, but that they are not your responsibility; you are your own responsibility.

In the end, feeling comfortable saying NO will make you feel empowered, but for some of us, it is no walk in the park, especially if we’re not used to it.

First, you need to decide on your boundaries. You cannot draw any line if you don’t know where to draw it.  You need to know where it starts and where it stops.

Answer these questions by making lists:

• What boundaries do I currently have?

• Are these boundaries respected? If yes, why? If not, why?

• Do you have stricter boundaries in your professional life than in your private life?

• What are my absolute non-negotiables?

• What am I willing to compromise on?

• What boundaries would I like to have? (include even those that sound impossible to have for now)

You can put them into different categories if that helps you have an overview. For example, you could proceed with the following categories.

-       Relationship & friendship boundaries: “I won’t participate in gossip.”

-       Professional / work boundaries: “ There is a lot on my to-do list, I cannot take on more.”

-       Time boundaries: “We can meet up, but I only have one hour, “ or “ I will plan at least 2 hours of self-care into my agenda every week.”

-       Emotional Boundaries: “I am not comfortable discussing this” or “Let’s get back to this, when I have had the time to think. “

-       Physical Boundaries: “I don’t like it when you grab me like that, please stop.”

When I first started my self-development journey, I was the kind of person who found excuses for other people’s shitty behavior. I used to tell myself: “They have had a complicated past, they are in a difficult situation, so I understand where they’re coming from. While some of that was true, understanding and feeling responsible for them does not mean letting things slide that you usually wouldn’t. Being there and understanding does not mean you need to disregard yourself and your values to make that person feel valued or comfortable. You can draw the line, set boundaries, and say no respectfully and gently.

People-pleasers often see saying no as negative, but it’s not. Every NO opens a door. Saying NO to something or someone creates space for you to say YES to something else that feels good / matters to you.

You might wonder, Okay, sounds good, but how do I get to that place? I recommend practicing saying no with little things, such as:

“I really appreciate the invitation, but I can’t”. That way, you show gratitude and explain that whilst you are grateful, you are unavailable.

“Thank you, but not now. I need to think this through.” You don’t always have to explain why you say no, but if it makes you feel more at ease in the beginning, use a little explanation.

“I am not okay with this as it does not reflect who I am.” That way, you are expressing your discontent without attacking them. You make them understand that you are not accepting their behavior because it does not work for you, instead of blaming them.

This may feel uncomfortable at first, but like with everything, practice makes perfect. As it is very common for people-pleasers to apologize, it’s essential to replace the “I’m sorry” with “Thank you, but no.”

Remind yourself that expressing yourself does not mean you are rude or selfish; you are finally expressing what needs to be expressed. The more you practice NO, the easier it will get. You have my word!

Be aware that some people will test your boundaries and will try to push. That is, unfortunately, a common reaction, but remember that if they call you out on setting boundaries, it’s a sign that shows they were benefiting from you not having any. Maybe it’s time for a heart-to-heart or a big clean-up in some cases.

The best is to practice saying no in situations that don’t seem essential and where you don’t feel pressured. That could be something as simple as declining a dinner invitation or even telling a friend you will not respond to their text now, but later. It can even be NO to someone asking you to participate in a street survey. Start small and you’ll see, it will come more naturally than you think.

Creating and setting boundaries can be scary, but it is essential. By setting clear non-negotiables, you will make more space for yourself to thrive and for genuine relationships to grow, and those who don’t get it can show themselves the door.

Here's to you!

Love,

Alix