Love Bombing to Gaslighting: How to Spot Narcissistic Behaviour and Protect Your Peace
You may have come across it already, but in recent years, the term narcissism has been widely used to describe people who treat us in toxic or damaging ways. Although most of us aren’t therapists and should conduct a diagnosis, we can still learn to recognize some of the more obvious signs:
The first stage is what we refer to as the 'Love Bombing' stage. During that phase, they treat you very nicely, acting as if they are all in, and they seem pretty confident. They generally move relatively fast and lead you to believe that they would see themselves having a common future with you. That is magical, almost too good to be true, and sometimes it is.
So far, we don't possess enough information to understand what's really going on. Narcissists may shower you with compliments, cover you in gifts, and offer kind gestures to make you feel special. They show a great deal of interest in physical appearance and social status. While you know you are special, they want to make you feel special and that they chose you, but what for? To get you to like and trust them. Some of them mimic your interests to foster a strong connection between the two of you.
Once you feel comfortable and secure enough with them, that's when shit really starts to hit the fan with narcissists. You will quickly notice that they require a lot of attention and praise; if you fail to do so, they tend to withdraw or start criticizing. A lot of what they share and decide revolves around their needs and desires; they rarely ask you for what you want, because that doesn't make them feel good enough.
Whenever you find yourself in a conflicting situation, they have the talent to make you doubt yourself. They twist facts to their advantage and portray what they say in a way that makes them look good and leaves you wondering if you've overstepped. If you were to report an incident back to your friends, they would assure you that NO, you have clearly not overstepped. They gaslight you by calling you out for overreacting, and when you do confront them about their behaviour, they play the victim and never take responsibility. They go so far as to blame you for setting boundaries, and if there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that boundaries are revealing. They are essential for you to respect and protect your peace, and they communicate to the person you are dealing with that you are not letting them walk over you. One essential thing about people with narcissistic personality traits is that they cannot self-reflect and take accountability. There is always an advantageous way out for them, and that does not involve constructive change for you.
When dating a narcissistic person, you may be left feeling totally lost. One day, they shower you with love; the other, they become cold and distant. After the early love-bombing stage, you have gotten used to their nice ways, but soon enough, you'll realize that it was all for show. In some cases, they start to make you feel small. That's when you start entering the black hole of self-doubt and criticism, as you begin to question your worth. They may start to make you feel anxious, as you begin to adapt your behaviour to avoid triggering them/ setting them off.
That won't happen overnight, and while some people in your circle start mentioning their concerns, you get what they mean, but often find excuses for them, because they are not all that bad. More often than not, dating a narcissistic person will make you feel isolated over time. The gap between you and your loved ones becomes bigger because you feel like they are judging you by judging the person you are with. That may lead you to feel like sharing less with them, which can create an even bigger gap in your relationship. Often, you find yourself seeking comfort from the partner who is mistreating you. Isolated from your loved ones, you now feel dependent on your narcissistic partner. That reinforces your sense of worthlessness because you feel lonely.
When you feel sad or share your frustration, they dismiss your feelings, and instead of reassuring and comforting you, they are annoyed and dismissive.
They are overall not very supportive of your wins or losses, unless they feel like your outcome, no matter how good/bad, can be of benefit to them. Remember that they are never selfless. Every action, move, and word is carefully planned and anticipated.
In the long run, they might lose interest in you because, after sucking life out of you, they don't admire you as much anymore. Be aware of one essential thing: you may feel like a victim, but you are not. Narcissists rarely target people they don't admire. Narcissists don't target people they cannot suck the life out of; their targets are people they admire and who generally shine very bright.
Once you feel the strength to walk away, they experience the worst form of loss of control and often return with apologies, affectionate words, and gestures to re-enter your life.
That is where you have to be very careful: Do not get sucked back in!
If you have never seen them apologize or cry or be this nice, you might get your hopes up and give them another chance, BUT: there is a difference between giving a healthy partner who fucked up another chance and a toxic partner who has been making you feel like crap. Those are two very different things.
If you have ever heard of break-up stories where one person feels relieved after a break-up and experiences a significant transformation (and I am not just talking about physical appearance), that's a sign.
If you have or still find yourself feeling:
drained
anxious
confused
constantly apologizing
walking on eggshells
like you've lost your confidence & spark
These are your signs to consider walking away. Even if it doesn't always feel possible, there is always a way out. It can be easy to forget, but let me remind you that:
You deserve real love
You are stronger than you think, no matter what you’ve endured.
You don’t need someone who makes you question your worth.
You are already enough, more than enough.
Don’t let anyone rewrite your worth, EVER.
Here's a list of questions you can ask yourself
Do they react negatively or dismissively when you set a boundary?
Do you often feel confused after arguments, like you can’t remember what’s real or what you said?
Does the relationship feel like an emotional rollercoaster — intensely good at times and very cold at others?
Do they expect special treatment or get upset when they aren’t the center of attention?
Do you feel like your needs are minimized or dismissed, especially when they conflict with theirs?
Do you often find yourself apologizing to maintain peace?
Do they rarely take responsibility for their mistakes and instead blame you (or others)?
Do you feel drained or anxious after interactions rather than supported or understood?
Do they shower you with attention sometimes, but withdraw it abruptly without explanation?
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them?
How to detach yourself
Assess what you are walking away from: a toxic relationship, bad behaviour, or lack of respect. How does the person make you feel?
REDUCE CONTACT: This is one of the most important things. It can be tough to implement, especially if you need to maintain certain ties with that person (such as kids, business, or others), but reduce interactions to a bare minimum. If possible, have someone you feel safe with present during these interactions.
Reconnect with yourself: focus on the things that bring you joy and make you feel like you are honouring yourself and your needs. That may feel a little awkward at first, as you might feel selfish, but it’s not. Getting used to looking after yourself (again) can be an entire process, but it’s so worth it. Soon enough, you will notice that you never needed them to begin with.
Break-ups often come with doubts and feelings of worthlessness, but that should not keep you from sticking to your decision. A painful decision doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one. Ask yourself what you would advise a friend or family member to do if you witnessed them in the same situation. Likely, you would not recommend them to cave.
Keep your boundaries tight: When narcissists feel like they have lost control, they tend to give up. If the partner you have or are still trying to distance yourself from feels like they still have a grip on you, they might feel like you are unsure about your decision. Please refrain from giving them drama or emotions; be as cold and objective as possible. That will disarm them. If that person is someone you don’t need to keep in your life at all, then go no contact.
Be comfortable with not having any closure. For many of us, closure can look like an apology or explanation, but these personality types will probably not give you any on purpose. Learn to make peace with the situation and see your decision as a reason for closure. How powerful is it that you get to be the one who brings closure to the situation? Your peace is your closure.
Seek professional guidance, such as a therapist or a coach.
Reach out to people you feel comfortable with, who support you, and spend more quality time with them.
When you feel hesitant to go back, make sure you have a list of all the difficult moments and negative feelings you experienced. You can even have a “toxic moments” album on your phone containing all the screenshots of their shitty, manipulative behaviour.
Remember that “losing” a relationship or person who makes you feel small, anxious, or confused is never a loss; it’s a WIN. You are worthy of peace, care, and unconditional love.
Choose your peace. You are far more resilient than you think.
Here’s to you!
Love,
Alix
