Signs You May Be Hyper-Independent
In a society where everyone has an opinion about your job, income, relationships, lifestyle, and role in society, it’s easy to get lost in how we perceive ourselves. Women and men, for that matter, are being judged for being able to take care of themselves financially, physically, and emotionally. Today, instead of saying that we're hyper-independent, we just say that we're independent because 'hyper' tends to have a negative connotation. But what does it really mean to be independent, and where does independence turn to the extreme?
To each one of us, it can mean a different thing. To some, being independent is the literal definition of not needing anyone and being able to make it on your own. To others, being independent means having the power to make our own life choices and knowing that we’ll be able to deal with the consequences, no matter what they are.
Over time, the concept of independence has taken on many different meanings for me. Through my growth journey, I realized that the meaning of independence was influenced by my belief that I needed to be emotionally independent. Of course, it’s nice to feel free and be able to make your own choices, knowing that your faith or future does not depend on anyone else. It’s good to know that how you live your life is not defined by the metrics of someone else. It’s nice to know that if things go to shit, you have yourself to fall back on. Being independent is great and necessary if you want to be accountable for your life, but where does it go too far?
When we rely solely on ourselves, it may be a clear sign that we fall into the extremely independent category. From the outside, we look strong and like we got it all together, but inside, it’s a different story fueled by vulnerability, trauma, and fear. Past betrayal, rejection, or hurt are often the reasons why we turn inward and cut off the need for someone else. It’s easy to go from independence to complete detachment.
Here are a few signs you might be tending towards hyper-independence
You find it difficult or nearly impossible to ask someone for help. People need to offer you their help at least 5 times before you eventually consider he idea of accepting their offer. And if you do take it, it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Needing support or help makes you feel vulnerable. It’s almost as if asking for help hurts your ego and makes you feel weaker.
You believe that “staying in control” makes you feel like you got it all together, and it makes you feel strong. The idea of letting go and letting things unfold without trying to control possible outcomes feels very dreadful, but of course, that is something you would never admit to out loud.
Taking in a lot of work and overloading yourself with different projects because: “I can do it” and “I’ve got it, I can handle this”. You prefer taking on more than a reasonable amount of tasks to avoid having to ask someone for help because you believe that you can do better and be faster by yourself.
You avoid close and intimate relationships because the thought of someone entering your intimacy makes you feel vulnerable, so you prefer to keep things superficial, hoping others don’t ask for more. When they do, you feel like you are suffocating and losing your freedom, so you either distance yourself or cut things off. This can translate into difficulties entering intimate relationships of any kind, as you are afraid to open up, get close to someone, and let someone get close to you. This is because it makes you feel less in control and like they could hurt you more in this way, so you prefer not to.
You mostly attract emotionally unavailable people because deep down you know that they will give you precisely what you think you need on the same superficial level you are giving them. And just like that, you are reassuring yourself that if things go wrong, you will be as little responsible and detached as they are. For you, it’s a win-win, except it’s not; it's another way to feed your trauma.
Having a hard time being on the receiving end when someone offers to help you, care for you, or support you. This can be something as simple as a friend checking in on you when you are feeling sick. It just makes you feel uncomfortable because you don’t want them to think that you need them; you can be sick on your own, and everyone should know that by now.
Now that we’ve covered in what brilliant ways our signs of (hyper)independence show up, it would be good to get to the root of what might be causing us to behave this way. What tends to drive these coping mechanisms a lot of us have been operating under?
For most of us, it’s linked to childhood experiences that have forced us to mature prematurely. This could be divorced parents, a conflictual home, neglect, betrayal, or any sort of abuse. We’re all different, and every experience we’ve had to go through has shaped us in some way or another. However, this does not mean that we should be forever stuck in the past; what happened to us shapes us, but does not have to define us. Deep trauma can teach us that it is easier to avoid relying on others because it prevents us from feeling disappointed or let down. If we’re not dependent on anyone, they cannot let us down. This is also what drives our need for self-sufficiency.
Over the years, we have proven to ourselves that we are capable of being enough on our own, to the extent that relying on someone else to help or support us in some way is doomed to fail. We don’t even give others a chance to support us in any way, because we are unable to let go of the belief that we don’t need them and that we must be in control. It’s not actually about needing them; it’s more about being able to trust them to support you after people have proven you not to over and over.
There is real strength in giving yourself and the other person the benefit of the doubt. Giving them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions might be honest and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt that you’ll be able to handle it if they don’t come through, and if they do, start accepting that you also deserve to be cared for and loved. When life has been about surviving for so many years, there comes a time when you need to force yourself to let go, let people in, let life take you where you are meant to be, and not where you think is best for you, only to protect you.
Being hyper-independent might make you feel safe and in control, and while it seemingly gives you a sense of strength, it also causes you to miss the most significant and valuable things in life: love & connection. We all need it; some of us have just learned to be fine without it, but simply being fine is not enough. We are meant to connect on a deeper level and build relationships that make us feel safe, allowing us to feel secure again when depending on someone. You may not know it yet, but vulnerability could be your new strength.
Here’s to you!
Love,
Alix
