How to Handle Disappointment
We’ve all been there, and let’s be honest, disappointments suck, but they are part of life. Sometimes we see them coming and can prepare a backup plan, but that doesn’t make them sting any less. Other times, they hit out of nowhere and feel like the ground is slipping from under us. They show up in every area of life: work, relationships, family, friendships, and within ourselves.
Our minds are good at protecting us from feeling and ending up in uncomfortable situations, but that should not be the focus. We can’t entirely avoid disappointments, no matter how much we try to control the circumstances leading us there. Instead of trying to avoid every possible disappointment, the real power lies in learning how to handle them when they appear.
To do that, let’s first consider the different types of disappointments.
Self-disappointment is particularly sneaky. We feel it deeply but often struggle to name it. It can come from not meeting our goals, ignoring our intuition, or acting out of alignment with our values. We might even hide it from others out of fear of being judged. When faced with emotionally challenging situations, we get tangled up in actions that may be out of line with our values, which, in turn, intensifies our feelings of self-disappointment.
What we can do:
We have to learn to be more compassionate with ourselves and reduce the negative self-talk. Like with a friend, we would not bash by giving negative feedback. Instead, we would show them compassion and support, because it’s what they need in that moment.
By recognizing what we can control and what we can’t, we create distance from the situation, allowing us to see it from a different perspective.
Reformulating our expectations by setting small and achievable goals can have a significant impact after experiencing self-disappointment. Achieving goals, no matter how small, gives us momentum to keep going and widens our window of opportunity rather than narrowing it.
Disappointment in others can hurt just as much, and it’s often outside our control. When someone breaks a promise or fails to meet our expectations, it can trigger feelings of hurt and disappointment. When we’re being mistreated, we don’t just feel disappointment; we feel a sense of injustice, especially when we’re forced to face consequences we never chose.
What is in our control, though, is how we respond.
Disappointment caused by absence/negligence can hurt even deeper. There’s no precise moment to point to, just an empty space where care and support should have been given by someone who chose not to. When the support or comfort we hoped for never arrives, that quiet inaction can weigh heavily. And when someone consistently falls short of what we need, closure becomes difficult because we’re left trying to understand what went wrong without any answers.
What we can do:
One of the most important ways to approach disappointments caused by others is with the use of, you guessed it, communication. By expressing how we feel without shifting all the blame onto the other person, we acknowledge our feelings, and we create an opening for the other person to respond. Expecting someone to respond in an understanding way is never a guarantee, but expressing how we feel can be freeing, even if the response we get is not the one we hoped for. Ask yourself whether your expectations were clear from the beginning, or whether you thought they were. I have found myself in many situations where I thought my expectations could not be clearer, and as it turned out, they were, but only to me. We tend to assume that other people see the world the same way we do, share our values, and live by the same standards, but they don’t, which is why we need to set our expectations very clearly.
Situational disappointment is when life or life occurrences don’t go the way we expected or had hoped for. This is a prevalent type of disappointment we also have no control over, either. We cannot control whether a job will be right for us, or if a colleague will like us; we can do our best, but sometimes it’s just not a fit, or as I want to see it, it was just not meant to be. Planning a holiday at the beach or selecting your wedding venue in a place where the sun is expected to shine, only to end up spending your time in the rain, is the classic case of situational disappointment. While we cannot make the rain stop, we can shift our mindset.
What we can do:
We need to accept what we cannot control and act on what we can control, and even if that’s scary for some of us, we can start small. Instead of saying this sucks, I can’t do it, we can say, well, it’s not optimal, but I will somehow find a way to make it work.
By reframing the narrative and telling ourselves that everything has a way of teaching us something, we can find alternative ways to look in another direction. By practicing this, we become more flexible and adaptive, which makes us feel more in control when life does not go as planned.
By learning to handle situational disappointment and coming up with alternatives, we strengthen our resilience and become more confident because we face situations head-on rather than letting disappointments dictate the outcome; instead, we get to pivot and regain control.
Recurring/ chronic disappointment tends to make us feel like we are doomed. It makes us doubt whether we deserve happiness and peace, and let me tell you: yes, we do. As cliché as this might sound, the universe has an interesting way of working out, and if you are not in the situation or having the life you want, it’s certainly not the end. Whether we have experienced disappointments in relationships or at work, or feel like we keep making the “wrong” life choices, there is a way out. If we’ve experienced repeated disappointments with the same people, it’s time to ask ourselves how much value they bring to our lives. When we feel like disappointing behaviours are becoming recurring patterns, it may be time to set clear, strong boundaries. The less we set boundaries, the more we end up hurting ourselves in the long run.
What we can do:
First, we need to assess what it is that is not serving us, whether that’s our job, our relationship, or our habits. If we feel like we’ve experienced this kind of disappointment too often already, we need to ask ourselves what we can do to change our situation. When we find ourselves in something recurringly disappointing, it’s a signal that change is necessary. Sometimes all it takes is changing our environment, making tweaks to our habits, and seeking help from a friend or a coach if we feel we need support to get started.
We have all felt stuck at some point, whether professionally or personally, but there is a remedy, and that remedy is called mindset. If we stick to beliefs that make us feel miserable and make us feel as if the misery of the entire world is weighing on our shoulders, chances are we will attract like-minded people and more of what we don’t want, which is not the goal here. We want to get out of that draining, victim mindset, and therefore, we need to be honest with ourselves and take the necessary steps to make a change.
Existential disappointment is where the magic happens. When we don’t feel fulfilled in life, we tend to question every aspect of it. Did I choose the right career path? Am I in the right relationship? Am I surrounded by the right people/friends? Is my current lifestyle serving me? Do I feel like I am living up to my purpose? Have I found my purpose? All the above questions have been hitting me hard during my mid to end twenties, and even now, they still do. It isn't easy to focus on what we want when most people around us seem to have it all figured out and are happy with their choices.
In today’s day and age, I feel like one of the biggest situational disappointments is linked to timing. When we do check-ins with ourselves, it can feel like we haven’t come as far as we would like or that we are behind when we compare where we are in life with where others are. It can make us feel like there is something wrong with us, and whether we’re on the right path. I realized that being an adult is way less fun than I thought it would be. Here again, those thoughts are normal and eventually make us reflect.
Don’t get me wrong; asking ourselves and being curious about the meaning of life and our purpose is crucial, but it should not come at the expense of the credit we give ourselves. A lot of us tend to forget that what we have today is what we wished for years ago. When we don’t pause to enjoy the present moment, we get stuck in the future, waiting for the next big thing. This can pull us away from gratitude for the present. There’s an essential difference between looking ahead for growth and relying on the next achievement to feel fulfilled.
What to do?
Knowing who we are and making choices that align with our true selves is deeply connected to our values. Yet many of us aren’t entirely sure who we are, and in moments of existential disappointment, we often forget this crucial inner compass. Listing our values and prioritizing them can bring clarity. Realigning with them helps us reevaluate what serves us and what doesn’t.
Rediscovering the parts of ourselves we abandoned while living out of alignment allows us to reconnect with our deeper, forgotten selves. To strengthen that alignment, we need to set new goals rooted in what genuinely matters to us, not what our family, partner, boss, or anyone else expects. Goals that are ours alone.
When we feel stuck in existential disappointment, it’s a sign to realign and pivot. By reassessing what works and what doesn’t, we can keep what supports us, let go of what doesn’t, and evolve. We need to make room for change. We’re meant to grow.
In the end, the more we understand our disappointments, the more we know ourselves. Understanding is what helps us move forward with clarity and confidence.
Here’s to you!
Love,
Alix
