How to Deal with a Toxic Person
How to recognize toxic people and protect yourself from their impact
Hate to say it, but toxic people are everywhere. Sometimes we can have toxic people in our friendships, amongst our family members, our colleagues at work, or, my least favorite but my personal area of expertise, a toxic partner.
I will not tell you that every toxic person is different and that there are certain levels of toxicity because you probably already know that. I have learned that from the moment you start making excuses for someone’s shitty behavior, it generally doesn't get better with time.
Yes, everyone has different backgrounds, cultures, traumas, and toxic traits, but in the end, if the people you are confronted with suck the life and health out of you, it’s a big warning sign you don't want to ignore.
I have found myself surrounded by highly toxic people, and to be fair, I am pretty sure that if I had been more grounded and stable myself, those people would not have been in my life to begin with, or at least not for long, but I am human, and apparently, I love lessons.
What is a toxic person?
My definition of toxic:
A toxic person is someone who, by their actions/words, repeatedly and purposefully makes you feel stressed, angry, sad, and disrespected.
Toxic people:
Drain your energy
Keep you on high alert
Make you feel emotionally unsafe
Lack genuine good intentions
Some toxic people say the “right” things but behave in ways that don’t match their words. A toxic person will have the ability to make you doubt yourself, gaslight you, and make you feel like crap.
Common signs of toxic people
Recognizing the patterns is the first step. Here are the most common signs of toxic people you should watch for:
1. Constant negativity & complaining - Toxic people are rarely optimistic. They complain frequently, criticize others, and always seem dissatisfied with people or situations.
2. Manipulation and Guilt-Tripping - They are often skilled manipulators. They twist facts, induce guilt, and present their reality as the only truth, slowly making you question your own reality.
3. Lack of Genuine Accountability
After an argument or a discussion, they will try to defend their point of view, and when they apologize, they rarely know what they are apologizing for. Saying “I am sorry ” is not enough if they don’t understand what they need to be sorry for, or if they don't change their behavior over time. Generally, they exhibit the same patterns of bad behavior repeatedly, without fundamental change over time.
4. Chaos, Drama & Gossip
Toxic people are rarely surrounded by peace. If you watch closely, you’ll often see them in circles where drama and gossip are prevalent. They come to you and tell you about their crazy stories, and somehow, they never have the answer to how the situation backfired, and of course, they did nothing wrong, as usual.
5. Subtle Competition and Emotional Withholding
When you succeed, they can’t seem genuinely happy for you.
When you struggle, they don’t lift you; they break your enthusiasm.
Even when they say “congrats” or “that’s great,” something feels off. Trust that instinct. When you come to them for comfort or advice, you are not getting it as much as you would hope.
6. Walking on Eggshells
One moment, they’re kind, the next moment, everything you say feels like a potential trigger. Toxic people can be hard to read: one moment they're nice to you, and the next you feel like anything you say could set them off, so you find yourself walking on eggshells over feelings and opinions you should be able to express freely.
7. No Respect for Boundaries
Toxic people struggle deeply with boundaries.
“No” is never enough. They overstep, intrude, and disregard emotional limits. It has got to go as they please and say, otherwise you'll get to hear their discontent.
How to Deal With Toxic People
Recognizing toxic behavior is step one. Protecting yourself is step two.
Here’s what you can actively do:
1. Set Clear Boundaries - You can only communicate and set clear boundaries when you know what your boundaries are. Get clear on your emotional, mental, and physical boundaries and communicate them clearly. You cannot draw the line if you don’t know where it starts or ends (see post about boundaries).
2. Stay Calm and Don’t Feed the Drama
Toxic people thrive on emotional reactions. Gossip, provocation, and chaos are their fuel.
Stay calm & don’t give into drama (if you wanted to be on Broadway, you would). Toxic people thrive on drama (see post), and that's why the more you stay calm and detached, the more disarmed they will feel. People with toxic tendencies tend to want to trigger a reaction from you. Their aim is to turn their gossip into your concern by adding facts they know will trigger you or by changing the narrative to make it difficult for you not to respond.
Think of it like a mosquito bite: you want to scratch, but if you don’t, it passes.
3. Limit Contact Where Possible
This looks different depending on the situation:
At work: Keep communication professional and task-focused
With a toxic partner: Step away when emotions rise
With family: Reduce exposure gradually
A toxic person will often use your vulnerabilities against you, so it’s important to filter what you share.
It's not always easy when these people are our partner, our colleague, or even our boss, but try to step back step by step. Set consequences and explain to them that if they keep doing this or that, you are not ready to engage further.
4. Don’t Internalize Their Behavior
Their behavior is not a reflection of your worth.
Toxic people are often drawn to empathetic, kind, and emotionally intelligent individuals. They try to dim what they feel threatened by. People who are unhappy, frustrated, and toxic will often try to undermine those around them who are understanding and empathetic. They are drawn to people who shine bright and are kind, but in the end, they will suck life out of you and make you doubt yourself. Keep your support system close or seek help from a therapist/coach to assess the situation and find solutions.
Remember:
If you were truly worthless, they wouldn’t try so hard to bring you down.
5. Keep Written Records
If you tend to minimize or forget past situations, keep a journal. Written proof helps you recognize patterns and prevents self-gaslighting.
When I started journaling, I was shocked by how much disrespect I had already accepted and forgotten. Having a trace of past situations can help you open your eyes and recognize clear toxic patterns.
6. Stay Connected to Safe People
Don’t isolate yourself. Toxic people can make you doubt yourself so much that you think you are the problem. Talking to trusted family members, friends, colleagues, or others you trust is a good way to put ideas back in perspective and gain some objectivity. You’ll be surprised how much toxic people distort your perception more than you realize.
7. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, the healthiest option is leaving, even when it hurts. In the long run, staying with someone toxic hurts more than leaving.
You don’t need toxic people as much as you think you do. Life gets lighter, clearer, and more peaceful when you distance yourself from those who harm you.
Leaving or distancing yourself from toxic people isn’t easy. Emotional attachments take time to loosen, but it is doable.
And you are stronger than you think.
Here's to you & to the inner strength you might not yet realize you have!
Love,
Alix
